On not being fat enough
Everyone must have someone, somewhere, to go to where they are spoiled, pampered and loved unconditionally for a while. I am with my favourite aunt and uncle in Chennai who fulfilled the role of grandparents while we grew up and just BEING. Eating, sleeping, recuperating and planning on attending a music concert every evening.
It has been a very productive trip for the work I wanted to accomplish, meeting and interviewing some really interesting people. But too hectic in terms of balancing friends, family and other obligations, despite the length of time spent here. I paced myself badly.
Spent a few days in Kerala, which remains outrageously beautiful, gorging on the wonderful food cooked by A’s aunts. Also had to listen to a relative go on and on for hours about how thin I was, how badly I dressed, how I should not tie my hair and how I looked like an old woman. A advised me to shrug it off but was not quite so sanguine himself when she accused him of not feeding me.
Another relative of a relative enquired whether there was “something wrong” because we didn’t have a child yet, and asked if we had gone to the doctor to get tested. This was the first time we were meeting this person. My mother in-law informed her it was by choice. I swing between wanting to laugh at these episodes and getting intensely angry.
My weight and future hoped for pregnancy and the health of the unborn child were prominent and distressing subjects of discussion this holiday. Did not help myself by falling ill. Tried to escape developing a full blown cough by not travelling in autos but it did not work and got food poisoning as well, probably from something stale I ate that no one else touched.
Even if I had the right weight (with my conveniently fair skin), was Malayali, dripped gold, fried fish just the way it should be done, had been named Beenamol, and had hips that measured just the right amount of inches for child bearing I would still have been made to feel inadequate.
Kerala roads are wonderful, but the drivers are mad. They drive straight at you from the opposite direction, because they are too impatient to stay in their lanes. My mother-in-law has a ritual of saying a prayer out loud whenever she’s in the car asking God to bless everyone and keep them safe. This time I joined her silently, praying at frequent intervals that we wouldn’t die, in Kottakkal and Trichur, in Kozhikode and up and down the hills of Mallapuram.
Next time we go there: beaches, good food (again), plantations and ayurvedic massages and only one or two relatives.
Very well put – no matter how ‘good’ one is, some relatives still have a tendency to make others feel inadequate.
Sounds like you are in the midst of a very hectic trip. Hope you get to enjoy the concerts and take care of your health
Best wishes
Anjali
thanks anjali!
It’s just amazing how people there take the liberty to comment and say rude things about the person visiting. That’s the one thing that hits me in the face each time I visit. Getting angry just ends up being more trouble than it’s worth. I am learning the art of ignoring
very hard to ignore when it becomes over personal no
Many many things should be smiled at and ignored. None of it is about you, it’s all about the other guy and his/her expectations, Beenamol:)
Ignoring happened for a looong time, but that was taken as license to go on and on and on. Imagine a car journey of several hours with the person plastered to you and whispering these sweet nothings into your ear persistently
and how come no nagging of the man?
Agree Uttara, some people take ignoring as permission to go on and on, getting worse with every succeeding sentence.
Oh the nosy relatives everywhere!
they don’t even think its being nosy which makes it funnier!
My entire aversion for relatives stemmed from my childhood trips to Cochin and Trivandrum to meet assorted relatives. I think in some ways it has made me dislike Kerela. I wish I could go and not tell anyone , treat myself as a tourist and truly enjoy God’s own country.
Sounds like all the other bits were fun, I’m sure the Madras music season is a fabulous treat.
do that-treat yourself as a tourist. seriously, we must go there without telling anyone except maybe the nice relatives and enjoy ourselves. yes, the season is a treat:)
little less relatives always a good idea
but good you are having fun. miss madras! 
madras is rainy and cool…a nice time to be here
Just checked in after ages and “Beenamol” made my day and time on the comp totally worth it…..will email – have been so out of it.
Do come and meet Beenamol soon. Will be back on the 23rd. And bring Tagdu Singh.
Beautiful post, Uttara…on a topic I can totally relate to. I have adult acne and EVERYTIME people make it a point to comment on it and they make it sould like its all my fault. And then there are questions about our ‘childless status’, complaints about not meeting someone etc etc. I want to feel excited about my upcoming trip, but these things make me anxious and angry. You are so right about “I would still have been made to feel inadequate”. By the way, I am from Trichur.
Lets go to Trichur on a holiday without telling anyone
. Anxious and angry is exactly right!
Hi Beenamol
You are perfect just the way you are. Ask the kid if you don’t believe me.
Have an even better idea – I will lend her to you on your next trip. She will vociferously defend you
That girl is perfect! And very good for my ego. When the child does arrive hope she is like her.
What can I say but, my sympathies, having been at the receiving end of such comments! (though, how I would love to be told that I am too thin!!). And now my daughter is told all the time that she is all skin and bones, and not having grown up in India, she does not have even a rudimentary thin skin to deal with it, and ends up getting far too upset. With the passage of time, these remarks slide over me like water off a duck’s back. I’m sure that one day you will also stop letting it bother you.
Enjoy Madras! Lucky you!
K, did not bother me for a bit, and it was water off a duck’s back. But what did begin to bother me was the persistence, and the ad nauseum repetition over and over again, over hours and days. It also became far more offensive than I’ve let on here.
me emerging from the wood work, been a silent reader so far.
KOTTAKKAL!?? My birth place- a special place for me. Thrissur? My father’s native place, and Kozhikode- where I graduated!
Glad you emerged from the woodwork! I do like Kottakkal, would love to go there for an extended time especially for the Ayurvedic treatments!
Friends
Gods way of apologising for our Relatives
True!
I am forever going to think of you as Beenamol now!!!
finally delurking
i totally sympathize and empathize. am subjected to the same. am visiting currently and though not relative hopping, have to make the mandatory phone calls. the top two questions i am asked (and not necessarily in this order) are – (1) have I lost weight, put on weight, am the same…? and (2) when am i getting married !!
Glad you delurked
Have fun on your holiday!
(in a sing-song accent)….Veee arrre like thisss wonly!
I understand completely. I have child-bearing hips which have borne two boys (ah! How I’m envied!). But still, I’m always reminded of my shortcomings (like not making idli, not feeding my husband and children enough, having short hair, going running in public…) whenever I’m back in India. The ONLY way to react is to laugh at these ridiculous allegations and have a god cry when you come back and swear never to visit anyone ever again.
Take care and don’t be afraid to put them in their place. Morons!
Wishing you, your family and all your readers a very happy new year, Kamini.
Oh gosh!! You must be an angel to tolerate this relative for hours. I think being a bitch (yours truly) has its benefits sometimes
Well, I USED to be an angel, now I am working at being a formidable bitch. One withering look and the other person is left a shivering, trembling mass. In my dreams, LOL!!
You are so right, though! Even if you were perfect (not saying you aren’t – I just mean perfect based on THEIR criteria), they would find SOMETHING to crib about. Maybe then they would focus on your husband and berate you for him being too thin or too heavy, or you not being the right shade of fair. SOMETHING!
I am working on being no more MS Nice as well
Uttara, I’ve been thru’ this…and it hurts like hell. Esp when they pick on something that’s a source of sadness or worry to you. Ignoring certain types means they don’t take responsibility for what they are saying, and it also makes you wake up at 3 am with the perfect scathing retort…not good for beauty sleep, now is it? I’m learning now to turn it back on them (if I’m calm enough) and start questioning them on their beliefs and opinions with a faint air of superiority and disbelief…works well to make them examine their sanity
Agree with one-two relatives. On a recent trip to a small town, where I had previously suffered stupid comments and questions on sundry matters…I called ahead and explained that we didn’t want to meet anyone, but only see places…and had a dream vacay trekking and soaking in streams on estates. Not a soul and a very peaceful learning holiday!
hmmm, I should learn from you!