The Survivors' View on Domestic Violence
Recently Terri’s Mom wrote a post Potable Poison describing the sadness of seeing men drink themselves to death in India and the suffering of their wives, who are at the receiving end of a lot of abuse. The Mad Momma also had a post on Domestic Violence.
The question arises, time and again, “why do women put up with it?”
There was a very telling and angry comment from someone as a response to someone else (who said women in abusive relationships are “attracted” to violence), on the Potable Poison post. The comment in response, apart from the justified anger at the remark that women are “attracted” to violence, reflects quite accurately what my friends and quite a few women fighting their husbands in court say (the latter I observed in those horrible days when I was a practising lawyer)about why it took them so long to come out of these relationships:
Anon – Wow are you really saying women are attracted to domestic violence! Lol. Lets ignore the fact that it cant be easy for her to walk out of a marriage, life as a single woman is probably not easy let alone safe in certain parts and in certain socities of India. Lets forget the social stigma attached to a divorced woman in India. Lets ignore the fact that most women are brain washed even as kids to be submissive. Lets forget the culture of ‘kallaanalum purushan, etc etc’. Lets forget the fact that the woman concerned might think that she took vows to stay with him for life. Lets forget the intimidation involved. Lets forget the family pressure. Lets forget the manipulation by the abuser who might cry their eyes out and promise never to do it again. Lets forget all this and blame it on the woman being attracted to violence.
What an uphill battle.
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You know I read that comment and the one that sparked all the outrage..trying to think up of a suitable response and am failing miserably!
My mom is in an abusive marriage having put up with an alcoholic and compulsive gambler for 26 years now. I myself have raged against her for having stayed in the marriage and not walked out on my father. But yeah at each point she had her reasons, the small children, the father who had cancer who she did not want to upset in his last days, recognition of the fact that walking out would bring with it a fresh set of issues, the false promises of having turned over a new leaf and now pity because its not really the done thing to abandon a sick man (who still continues to maintain that she is worthless and can unleash venom on her). There was never physical abuse but enough mental abuse to make up for it. And my mother is educated and had a job throughout.
Its so complicated. And that whole attracted to violence theory is hilarious.
GDS, I don’t know what to say. It must have been awful for her and for you and your siblings. We’ve had close family friends deal with an alcoholic father and we know how upsetting it can be. Can’t your mother get a nurse for him or put him in a nursing home or something? But I guess you have been through all this already with her.
What amazingly warped logic. Phew.
Seriously! even the educated and working women stay back in such abusive relationship just fearing society. Actually it isn’t that bad for them any more. Few people will talk and then forget and go on with their daily routine. One of my cousins, walked out of her abusive relationship, remarried after 2 years and now living happily with 2 children.
Also a lot depends on parents’ support. If parents don’t support their daughter and ask her to put up with the abuse then it is pity and sad. Teach your daughters to stand on their own feet.
I think the one you mentioned about ‘attracted to violence’ must be a type of ‘Stockholm syndrome’ where in the victim slowly gets used to the tormentor and gets used to it. Sad though!
Hi Ra, quite agree with the lady who put that comment.
It is not easy to be single, especially in India. Neighbours, strangers, nosey families, unwanted attention, harassment – lots of problems associated with it.
Living alone may not come easy for many people. Human beings do look for companionship. Family support may not go on for long. And everybody’s life is different. Some people may find it easy to make friends or find a partner. Some may not..
Also, not being in a long term partnership and being in and out of relationships can take a toll on the emotional well being of a person, particularly if she believes in and wants love that lasts.
I think what I am saying is that a person in an abusive relationship does weigh pros and cons, she is torn. It’s not an easy acceptance for her by any stretch of imagination.
Oh god! Where does one begin? Such attitudes just make me so angry, so depressed…so helpless!
(
First visit here and loved your writing
I worte about this too, except that it’s my friend who is in an abusive relationship and didn’t do anything about ti for more than 2 yrs!!
is she doing something now?