Why Did You Touch Her?
Last week, while I was eating lunch, my sister was reading the newspaper-an article about AIDS and how some men still sought out young virgin girls to “cure” them of the disease. Suddenly she casually mentioned the ex-cook of someone we used to know. He used to grope me, she said. Very angry and shocked, I just stared at her, unable to say anything. AP, another cook, still with some friends, had dealt with him, she told me. This wasn’t the first time my sister had been groped or sexually assaulted, but I don’t know why she chose to tell me of this particular incident only now.
For the past week I’ve been filled with a feeling of impotent rage and misery and bad memories. The feeling that I could not protect my sister. Memories of the many times I myself have been felt up. Memories of one night in the hostel at college when some of us girls got together, talking about some of the worst times in our lives.
I first remember being pinched at Grant Road Market, where I had gone shopping with my mother. I was standing near a cart piled with whatever wares the vendor was selling, holding my mother’s hand. I was so young, I had no breasts to pinch. Yet this man came by and did just that and then started running away. My mother turned and I blurted out what had happened and she ran after him. He was caught, by her and some other people, and severely beaten, taken away by the police.
Other times, I didn’t have my mother with me. Like the time I went to a magazine shop and was grabbed and groped from behind. I came back home, tears running down my cheeks and kept showering, as if that would somehow make things better.
Then there was a time in some small town in the South, between school and Chennai, when I was in a moving auto rickshaw and a guy reached his arm inside to get a feel. I felt like there were spiders crawling all over me. At that time I had 15 year old A next to me (now my husband) who saw what was happening and yanked me inside. We didn’t even see his face, he sped off on a motorbike.
There was the taxi driver I once passed who flashed. If I came across a flasher today, I would think he was just pathetic and report him to the police. But I was 11 then and absolutely shocked, so much so that I was trembling.
The list just goes on-grew when I went to Delhi. Never travelled on the bus without a sharp object.
I don’t know what triggered it, but one night some of us girls were sitting together in my room-mates and my room in the hostel. We were talking about being groped, sexually assaulted, raped. Not a single one of us had escaped. Not a single one. The stories came out slowly, most of them never talked about before.
S was regularly assaulted by her cousin. She was only seven and didn’t understand what was happening. Her cousin threatened her and told her not to tell anyone. Until one day, her mother found her wearing sperm sodden underwear while helping her change. Her mother, a widow in a small town, confronted the family. They denied everything and accused her of maligning their son.
My best friend N, who told me everything, but hadn’t told me or anyone else this, suddenly revealed she had been molested by her own cousin. Taken into backrooms. And then later, by her sister’s father-in-law, in a car, when he’d taken her out shopping.
Another friend, raped, because she turned down the advances of a man who kept chasing her.
I haven’t talked about this issue with my friends and colleagues here in the UK, but I don’t have a single Indian girlfriend who hasn’t been groped or sexually assaulted in one way or another. Not a single one. It happened to my mother, it happened to me, it happened to my sister, it happened to my friends. It continues to happen.
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It does
It has.
first time – age 10 on a ptc bus in madras
It’s amazing how disconnected the lives of boys in india are from those of girls in india. Because when I grew up, I never imagined that girls of my age were going through horrific shit like this.
We have so many beasts roaming around us. Sorry to learn about such a high incidence of these dastardly acts.
What is sickening is that many, or even most, of the pervs are family.
This topic ALWAYS manages to infuriate me. It has happened to me SO MANY times – I have lost count. These people make me sick – and when something like this happens, I really feel like shooting them. I know how you feel about your sister. My sister (older) would always be very protective and he has slapped so many bastards. I could never do that. I have always felt so weak and helpless…
my goodness. what a horrible (and horrific) way to grow up. it really saddens to hear what has happened to you and r…and so many other girls as well.
Hi,
I think it happens anywhere in the world, irrespective of the culture/religion. it happened to me too. It is just sick and sad. These days it happens to boys too. or, may be it was just that now only we have come to know about things happeneing to boys, otherwise, may be it was happening before too:(
anyway, Some of us (myself) live in UK too:)
It does happen to boys too…as a 4 year old I vaguely remember a servant pulling down my pants and touching me from behind, and later an older kid whose form of a game was to ask you to strip.
If this happens more in India, its because our society is (rather was) repressed- expressing normal sexual attraction was never openly possible in the seventies and the eighties. We were a sick society. I think todays youth are far more healthier in this regard.
very sad and unfortunate..:(
It’s so commonplace…you just keep going as best you can…we’ve all been there…feeling dirty and impotent and angry.
Dude – thats some REALLY bad stuff … i mean i cannot imagine someone trying to grope my genitals and trying to run away – but still it must have been rather harrowing. Sorry to hear that …
i was once travelling in a bus and accidently bumped against a girl with ‘defined’ assets – she thought i did it on purpose and slapped me – it was a tad demoralizing cause i respect women – especially since my wife canes me for any misbehaviour ! (kdding – she only kicks me)
Best
sam
Wow, your post brought so many memories and thoughts that they made me cry! I don’t know about all my friends (never could talk about this with everyone) but yes, I have definitely been molested and so has my sister. Unfortunately in my sister’s case, she was barely 7/8 and it was a family friend and it went on for quite a while. The saddest part of the story is that we have never done anything about it because his wife is the nicest person in the world and like a second mother to us. We could never do anything to hurt her and definitely bringing this out in the open would destroy her.
Have linked to this post, and have a post of my own regarding this (in fact its funny, I have a post that is connected to your post on menstruation as well). your last line esp, that you don’t have a single friend who hasn’t been groped, especially rings true.
I agree with everything you wrote. I also have yet to meet an Indian woman who has not been molested, grabbed, or sexually harassed in some way. It is sad.
I agree with the other commenters that this problem also affects men and boys, albeit to a much less extent.
Thanks for writing about this topic which is often not discussed but brushed under the table.
hey uttara. i know exactly what you’re talking of. so may friends, including my wife, have had such experiences. its sad, it depressing but most of all outrageous. incidentally, in delhi its not confined to girls alone. i’ve had some very unpleasant experiences by guys whose logic is if you can’t get a girl, try it on a guy. its so sick. when will this ever change i wonder?
Gawker-yes what you say is true.
Shyam, Shoefiend, wasn’t expecting any different
.
Bedevilled don’t feel sorry for me or anybody else..just help us do something.
Suj, yes, lots of them are family-even here int he UK. Lots of cases like that.
Keya NEVER feel weak, though I know they make us feel that way.
ccc-actually had a happy childhood-this was just one of the horrible things about it-beyond anybody’s control.
Prema, yes I know it’s happening to boys too-over here as well.
Homer, how horrible.
Sailu, Rivka, yes it is unfortunate, and it does make you feel dirty, though the perpetrators of this crime should be the ones labelled dirty.
Sam, so sorry about your undeserved slap. I guess women have become so paranoid, we’re always on tenterhooks.
Anon, your story made ME cry. I hope one day you can do something to that B******. May be good if you do for his wife too, mustn’t be a very nice husband.
Ranjit, thanks for linking to the two posts!
Vikrum, I love your blog, thanks for visiting. Yes, it happens against boys too, all over the world. Have come across it all too frequently in my line of work.
David, don’t know what’s up with Delhi. I love that city so much having spent four years there..and then there’s all this rubbish. Not that it doesn’t exist elsewhere.
•1 out of 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 4
•19% are abused between the ages of 4 and 8
•28% are abused between the ages of 8 and 12
•35% are abused between the ages of 12 and 16
this is from CRY.org
oh and i tried to think of a female, whom i could mention to you and say here is someone who hasnt been groped. but couldnt. but i do wonder on the percentage of boys who keep quiet too.
***
this happens because the majority keep quiet.
majority keep quiet due to the “shame” factor.
and this is just not for girls, but for boys too.
somehow its incorporated that its shameful to talk about being a victim of a sex crime.
unless we change that, even after 2 decades, someone is going to write a post like this.
Hey uttara,
Thanks for responding. This post and the reactions that it inspired in me actually made me want to start blogging … maybe sometime soon.
About that B*******, well, I am pretty sure and have evidence, he is not a good husband but my aunt would nevertheless be heartbroken if the truth came out … it’s her life, artificial though it may be and I can’t be the one to shatter her glass house.
I once asked a Psychologist friend why children dont report such matters. She had an interesting explanation among others. She said that children are taught to obey adults at a young age. They are used to being told to do unpleasant things like finishing up their vegetables or taking out garbage. A sexual assault also becomes another such thing they are forced upon by an adult. This is why it is very important to tell children at a young age what is wrong and what is right. Child abuse is an epidemic, especially in India and if we dont curb it we will have to face a new generation of abusers when this generation of abused kids grow up. it’s a very vicious cycle.
hey, just came across your blog entry while surfing and of course, i had to share. i was 10 when some dude shoved me against an elevator wall… i had no idea who he was and what he wanted to do. i walked home like nothing happened. it was only when i was 15 when i read an article on child abuse in India Today. i pointed it out to my parents and said, “this happened to me.” it was catharsis but of course, living in Delhi, i came across many more situations but i learnt not to stay quiet for more than a second. but i try not to be in an elevator alone with random men.
It is sad that these things are done by “educated ” people too.Once our friend told us that her uncle was touching her at the wrong places and when she told this her parents , they didnt believe her . Since we were kids then , we did what we could . We put some sand into the petrol tank of her uncle’s vehicle .
I had forgotten about this incident until I read this article . This is really disgusting ..
What I cannot understand is, how does the cycle repeat itself? Surely if so many women are being harassed, (& I have no doubt they are, as I’ve heard several such accounts, & been witness to a few on trains etc), it should act as a strong influence on all their male relatives & acquaintances, to treat women courteously. Surely each of these perverted men has at least one female relative who has gone through this? I’m unable to understand what the “mental”ity is (pun intended)
This is funny ! people used to talk about sex drama in “erotic stories” , sex action in “pornography” and even sex comedy in chatting whenever a female id crops in a chat room but for the first time I am reading
people talking about sex horrors Way to go people ! way to go !
i know what you are saying uttara.
there’s just something i want to add to that…everybody should know that a boy child…most young boys…almost as many boy children as girls…(which would make it near total right?) also go through the same hell. i did. my friends did. while it is true that i don’t have any women friends ho have not been child abused…i know, almost none of my male friends have had it any different.
i don’t know how many will believe me when i say this and i don’t how politically incorrect i might sound about this…but this about my own personal experiences…so don’t be harsh with the judgements. i believe boys have it harder…because most of them will never have a single such night in the hostel where friends will come out with their private horrors…thy’ll never share it if they didn’t do it as kids…there is tremendous pressure to not speak with in the male domains…to deny…mock…it is worse. i have never been able to tell even my girlfriend about n we’ve been going out for 5 yrs. i just don’t have it in me.
there was always a suspicion that it happened because i was a latch key kid…but no. the first time it happened i was in a joint family set up. a young kid of 4 yrs? i have bad memmories…i don’t yet know how to deal with. it feels good to be able to tell you guys this. i plan to be very careful with my buchchas.
Hi Anon,
I know it happens to boys too, maybe more than we realise. I know they also find it more difficult to talk to each other about such things. It was hard enough for us girls and that discussion happened with much difficulty.
I hope we are able to protect our kids-boys and girls, and the world is a better place for all of them.
that was so depressing.. it never ends …the cycle just continues..and goes on and on and on
Read so many such horror stories…Kind of leaves me blank now…I do not even know how to react. I know its very brave of you guys to come out in the open.
But one question, are so many able to come out in the open because of the anonymity net offers? If that is the case, what advantage is being served?
Do not get me wrong, I understand Indian society and I understand the concept of honor(so disgusting) but until in our societies the prepetrators and not the victim is ashmaed, nothing will change.
I guess it does serve some purpose, atleast makes people aware how disgusting and traumatic molestation is for the girl/boy.
Kudos.
Just adding to what I said, I know a lot of people who think gals actually enjoy a bit of feeling up…guess now they should no better.
Confused, you are right-the net does offer anonymity. I have spoken under my real name elsewhere, but here I used only initials because I was writing about other people, who I hadn’t told about this post.
I hope this progresses into something bigger to be effective.
I had done this…
@anon Hope your son will not follow u. As a boy I’ve been messed around in Chennai’s EMU too. So this is certainly not women centric.
It happens to boys too. I was sexually abused by my dad when I was very young. I think it was only once but have a hazy recollection of him nude before me, touching me.
It is said that age brings stronger memories. That incident had slipped out from my mind until much later when I could understand about sex. The anger within me remained for years. As a duty, I took good care of him when he was having cancer. But when he died, I did not shed a single tear. Not a single one.
I also recollect having been touched inappropriately by a house-maid. I was so small then that I did not even or could not even have an erection. I wonder what sexual gratification that woman got from it.
During my school days I had started to go on early morning jogs with my friend. In the grounds, a guy made friendship with us. He claimed to be a football coach. I realized what kind of coach he was when one morning he started doing ‘exercises’ with me and slid his hand down my shorts onto my groin. I brushed off his hand in anger and never returned to the jogs. Years later I saw this same guy holding his baby daughter in his arms. His look at me at that instant was to be seen.
I also had a ‘friend’ at school who was older to me. He was the one who introduced me to masturbation and would touch me. He was praised by many for his studious nature. But only I know what he did to me. Years later in college, I read in the local paper that he died in a swimming accident. God does work in many ways.
I left the shores of Mumbai six years ago and am now in the US.
Years have passed, but the pain, anger and rage which boils within me…will perhaps never die.
The Black Noise Project should be expanded to cover children of both genders.
I don’t remember how I landed here but reading this entry, profile and others (menstruation, krishna nee begane, back in London) made me want to write a long long post. So, instead I decided to write an email. Now, only if I could figure out where to send it to. In fact, I was in London today…..could have just given a shout I guess but I read all this just now.
Cheers! and God bless.
This is all so wrong. So wrong. Why?
Just trembling when I read about everything. I have a close cousin younger sister. And..
We shut up too long.
Take care.
This does not only happen in India. I live in the U.S. and I don’t know how many times this has happened to me as well. I wouldn’t know where to begin…
It’s horrible anywhere that it happens. And maybe we should turn the tables on the men. But of course, they would like it and think of it as “positive” attention (ie – thinking they are attractive to all the females, or something…)
Read many stories about the girls having to face this..
but you know,it happened to me as well, and ya I am a Boy.
I was 6-7 yrs old, and My neighbour(a guy) did horrible things..
forced oral on me! Today when i think abt it, I am filled with a obnoxious hatred.
he died after some time..and i am happy for that.
Another incident of sexual abuse, We moved, and there was this girl, who use to touch me..
play with me…she use to call this a game.
a game, where we will hide small pieces of paper/plastic in body
and we have to find those things..! hmmm nice fantasy !
but i was just 8-9 yrs old kid.
I havent told this to anyone(except my gf) and she was horrified.
I dont have the guts to publish this in my real name…
somehow the shame is filling…
Anon, as Karthik S says, I hope you’re not assaulting or harassing anyone anymore.
Manne, you can mail me at .
Incognito, you take care too.
The other anons, I am so sorry to hear about your experiences. I worry about having children when I read things like this.
Remember a post by you a long time back about how all women face this… Long before the blank-noise project started…
And just the other day, she suffered through a horrible experience in a main street in Banglore… I didn’t know what to say… Made her and all my friends get a pepper-spray… Will it help? Heaven knows!
Hope all this getting together of people results in something concrete..
Atticus I wrote this before the Blank Noise Project, but used it as my contribution to it.
Who is “she?” I hope she is OK now. My best wishes to her.
I too hope we can all do something more.
Hi there!
I am a little stunned by your article. I guess I grew up in some of the more sedate areas of Madras, or, merely, was spared of such information (being a male). While I am a little stunned to take all this in, I will certainly not rule all these happenings in India out.
Dileepan, Your comment is similar to Gawker’s. All this happens and more. If you go through the contributions to the Blank Noise Project, you’ll see some of the extent of it
Oh dear..Me often experienced the shit while taking buses in mumbai…once a guy touched me on the road..I was 13..I screamed but no one on the street bothered….so later when the same happened about a few months later I ran behind the man, hit him hard on his back …slapped his back like half a dozen times. He did not respond to my hitting him…guilt probably. But somehow ever since that day it hasn’t happened to me again.
uttara,
I was telling my American friend about a month ago about how I was molested so many times over when I was in India and how I was always on the alert while I was in public places. Now reading this just makes me remember all those times and makes my blood boil. I also think it makes for a very interesting documentary.
PS. I’m half Sindhi!
Hi …,
This thing will continue till peoples attitude towards women changes(So many will fell that they are sex toys i am sorry to use such a word).
Count me in as well- 1st time at age 4 by a neighbor.
I believe this happens everywhere- had a coworker from El Salvador and said the same thing.